Dear Body,
Why must you do this to yourself? I realize that hormones are hard to control. They are like having 589,125,364,465,253 wild animals running rampant on a 30-year old zoo. It is not an easy situation to control. Even dear Hubby understands the mood swings and the food cravings. But why? why? why do you retain water? Do you realize that it is some special kind of torture? I know how much water you are holding because I know how much water I drank yesterday and I KNOW I didn't have to wake up to pee in the middle of the night.
From the moment the alarm woke up, I knew that you were bloating. I looked in the mirror and my normal jiggle around my mid-section was markedly enhanced. My boobs, damnit, don't fit in my bra! I had to layer a tank top with a shelf-bra over my regular bra in hopes of containing the two extra boobs now squeezing out from around one of Frederick's fine creations. Frederick's does NOT account for extra boobage!
And now we play the waiting game. How long will I live in this state of puffed limbo before the hormones convince my uterus to begin torturing me? I go from bloated to agony. You really jack with me, you know it? Just know this - I am within twenty years of menopause. Yes, menopause! Where my biological clock puts the kabash on your ability to torture me with bloating and cramps. Where my biological clock instead shifts you to a whole new dimension and I no longer have periods. Instead, I will have hot flashes. Dammmmm.
Sincerely,
A woman clearly need in chocolate and alcohol
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